A Taste of Collapse
by Scytherageroses
Summary: Chapter Five: All the pieces fell into place. Ma Chao had discovered my abuser. But was saving me worth this? I felt like I had found a friend in him, but now, would I lose him?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One****-Prologue**

I gripped the sword at my side and closed my eyes. Memories flooded my mind, some of them were happy ones, others, not so much.

I didn't always hate Sima Zhao. In fact, there was a time when I loved him dearly. That was, before I realized the monster he had become. Yet I should have seen it coming. After all, he was a Sima. I was a Zhuge, we weren't supposed to be friends.

We weren't supposed to be lovers either.

Now we're enemies. Everything is right in the world. Except now him and I were at each others throats. But that's the way it should be. I'm a Zhuge, he's a Sima. The grand pride joy of his clan, while I was merely the dog.

It didn't have to be like this.

I could have gone about the rest of my life ignoring it. But how? When I heard the cries of the people below. My heart ached at the thought, but this wasn't the man I loved. Not anymore. Those eyes that used to look at me with love, looked at me with hate. Those hands that used to make me moan, all but secured my death.

Power had changed him. I really should have known better than to open my heart.

But I couldn't help it...I was a fool for his love. When he'd look at me. Kiss me with those pillowed lips. His large hands trailing down my pale body. I was always so physically inferior to him, too pale, too small, but he loved it anyway. He loved my body; the taste, the texture, the scent, everything, and I loved him.

Our lovemaking was nothing short of magical. It was something we knew we shouldn't have been doing, but did it anyway. I'd make the noises he loved to hear every time he touched me, I'd squirm, writhe beneath him like a desperate whore. But I loved it.

I loved you, Sima Zhao.

And now I must kill you.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything from here on is in the past, everything is Dan's memories. He's telling his own story. Sima Zhao comes in later, so now we see Dan's obsession with Zhuge Liang come to light. :)

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

After the recent death of my father, I had no place to go. We had been affiliated with Wei, as such, I should join them. However, I had family in Wu, and in Shu, both distant cousins of mine; Zhuge Jin, and the illustrious Zhuge Liang.

I sighed. There's no way I could ever measure to a man like Zhuge Liang. I had no strength, I had pride in my name, but how could I just approach the man? I feel intimated just thinking about him. Like I don't even deserve to have such a man in my thoughts.

Gritting my teeth, I closed my eyes and sliced the blade over my wrist, watching as it became red, and blood fell to to the carpet below. Home alone, alone with my indecent thoughts, I've made it a ritual to cut myself every time I thought of Zhuge Liang.

My father would be so ashamed. But how else could I run from this pain?

When had I become this weak? I shook my head and gritted my teeth, throwing the bloody knife away. Even in my darkest hour, he still invades my mind. Perhaps I will pay him a visit. I don't deserve to be in his presence, but I can always try. After all, us dogs are built to be stubborn.

Quietly, I fled from my maids, and ran to the infirmary. If the maids found me, they'd scold me for my cutting. Worry about me like my poor mother did. I sighed once more, how I missed my mother so...

I winced in pain as I poured rubbing alcohol all over my wound, biting my lip to stop from crying out, and I quickly wrapped it up tightly so no one would notice. After all, I was an only child, now an orphan, and they still treated me like a baby. No doubt they would freak out if the child of the Zhuge was injured.

Quickly, I fled the infirmary and dashed to the stables. Today, I would finally meet Zhuge Liang. I would tell him I was worthy of him, worthy of his name. I would follow him wherever he goes, learn all his teachings, I'm his biggest fan.

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I rode into Shu territory. I watched the children play, everyone was so happy, it was serene. A few pretty girls waved at me, I smiled and waved back, a couple watched me with curiosity, but everyone was so friendly.

The city of Chengdu was lively. So this was the capital of Shu. I had heard that Liu Bei wanted a benevolent rule, a peaceful place for his people to live. While China was still in turmoil, it seemed that Chengdu never lost its happiness. I laughed as I watched a man with a European styled green hat and jacket chased a blond man in green armor. He was screaming when said hat was snatched from him, and the blond threw it on a rooftop.

A child slipped and fell and began to cry, another man, a muscled man with long brown hair and a headband ran to him and comforted him. No one in Wei ever did that for me when I fell. Once, I was caught running through Wei's palace when I was a child, and spanked by Lord Xiahou Dun for knocking over a priceless statue Cao Cao was given by his late father.

I don't think I've ever cried so much. My mother, she even dared slap the one-eyed wolf for putting his hands on me.

"Halt!"

A female's voice stopped me at the gates of Shu's palace. I looked ahead and saw a beautiful woman standing at the gates. She held up her scythe-like weapon and glared at me, her radiating green eyes glaring daggers into me. She wore a green spandex outfit, and mesh covering her abdomen. Her red hair dazzling in the sunshine as well.

I found myself surrounded, as four guards circled my horse, I recognized them as the blond and his friend who I saw recently, the muscled brunette, and another, a sleek, skinny boy in green spandex and a flower in his brown shaggy locks.

They all held up their weapons; two spears, a paintbrush and a pair of nunchucks, standing with authority around me.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" she asked.

Then this must be the lovely Huang Yueying, Zhuge Liang's wife. I have heard stories of how she often guards her husband's residence. I remember the story of the Three Visits vividly, as my father used to tell it to me before bedtime when I was little. It's always been one of my favorites.

I bowed kindly, and said,"My lady. I am Zhuge Dan. Distant cousin of Zhuge Liang. I am here to visit him." She looked at me and crossed her arms. "I don't know you. Neither does my husband." she simply said,"now leave. My husband is very busy."

"If you allow me to-"

"No is no. Child. Do you take me for a fool? My lord's only cousin is Zhuge Jin. We don't know you." she snapped.

I refused to believe her. Then if I must...

I jumped off the large horse. The four generals got ready to strike, Lady Yueying readied herself as well. "If I need to use force, my child. I will. Do not tempt me." "Then I will prove that I am worthy of the Zhuge name. Out of my way!" I yelled.

But then I realized I had no weapon.

I looked at my gloved hands, my fingers began to spark with electricity, further angering her. "You wish to fight me, child! I will make you regret it!" she yelled, swinging her weapon at me. I jumped over it. The other guards dared get involved, but she stopped them.

But could I really strike a woman? My mother always taught me to respect women, never to fight them, never to hit them, never to treat them as anything less than myself. Anger infused in her eyes, and she swung her weapon again. I grabbed it and threw it away. Weaponless, she looked at me, then began to summon a juggernaut.

So this is the power of Yueying. One weapon after the other. She slammed her foot on the ground, and her machines came up from the ground. Then I had no choice. I had to fight back. Lightning sparked from my fingers, and I held my hand out, forming a magic ball around.

She gasped.

I glared and yelled,"Feel the power of my lightning!". Suddenly, I felt invincible. Nothing could touch me. I moved my hand, directing the orb like a homing missile, and it slammed right into her. She yelled out in pain as she flew out. Quickly, the smallest man, the one in the green spandex ran to her and caught her before she went flying into the wall behind her.

The juggernauts disappeared, and she only looked at me in defeat. "Very well, my child. I shall bring you to him." she said, limping over to me. "If I may.." I said shyly, gently putting my hand on her shoulder. She smiled and nodded, and I helped her into the palace.

As we walked through the halls, I noticed she was silent. However, she kept taking glances at me, making me uncomfortable. I wanted to break the silence, but I felt it wasn't my place to speak. The only thing I could hear was my breathing, and the sound of our footsteps

I was so nervous. My hands began to shake. When did my white gloves get so tight? My palms were sweating, I began to quiver in fear. Finally, we made it to Zhuge Liang's bedroom. Nervously, I stood at the door, my boots over his little rug, I began to shake again.

Yueying knocked on the door. No answer. She knocked again. No answer. "Husband. Open your door, I come with someone who wants to meet you." she said. She looked at me then walked in the door, closing it in my face. "Who is there?" Zhuge Liang said.

I completely melted hearing that voice of his. Something was strangely erotic about it. Had I been a woman. Instead, I only looked on with nervousness.

"A boy from Wei. He claims to be your distant cousin." Yueying said. Zhuge Liang looked up in interest, and asked,"What is his name?" "His name is Zhuge Dan." she replied. The dragon raised his eyebrow and said,"I...I can't say I've heard of him...Zhuge Dan?" "He's only a young child, my lord." she said. "How old?" he asked.

"I did not ask. But he can't be any older than his twenties." she said. "Very well. Bring him in." he said. Yueying nodded, and walked out of the room. "My lord will see you now." she said. I shook again. My feet were almost glued to the floor. She left, her white boots slamming against the wood, almost as if she was annoyed.

"Come. You may enter." he said. I felt my heart pulsing as I walked into the bedroom. Zhuge Liang was in his night robes, his long thick black hair out and cascading down his back. Sitting in his bed, he had the blanket around his waist, his robes hanging off his slender body quite loosely.

"Lock the door behind you." he said, and I nodded, closing and locking the door. Our eyes met, and suddenly, I felt unworthy. I swallowed my heart, it felt like I had swallowed a sword. My face turned red, flushed in fear. Sweat dropped from my body again, and I could only stare at him.

My pulse quickened. He stepped out of the bed. I gasped. My heart rate quickened, I felt like I was on ice. He stepped closer and closer to me, until he was right in my face. "Zhuge Dan..." he said. "Y-yes, sir." I whispered softly. "Speak louder, boy. My ears are a quite old." he said. "Yes...I am Zhuge Dan." I said, with a bit more authority.

He smirked at me. Had I been out of line just then?

"We share the same last name...yes...you are one of mine." he said,"so why is it that we never met?" "M-my mother...she wanted to protect me.." I replied. "Protect you from what?" he asked. "War." I replied. He laughed. Almost hysterically. "A woman cannot protect her boy from the horrors of war..." he said.

He regained his composure and asked,"So what has brought you to me?" I bowed to him and said,"My parents are dead. I am only a child, and I need a home." "How old are you?" he asked. "Eighteen." I replied. "You're just a baby...yes. You will live here with me." he said with a smile.

Walking back to his window, he turned back to me and said,"Take pride, my boy. I do not let anyone in my inner circle. Prove to me that this was not a mistake."

Before I could reply, he was suddenly over me again. I made a strangled gasp, when he pulled me to him and kissed me. My brown eyes grew wide. His lips didn't taste unpleasant, but this was my cousin! A man! I had always tried to hide my homosexuality from my parents, but I soon realized I couldn't hide anything from my mother. She was understanding, my father would never accept it, so we hid it from him.

So here was the Sleeping Dragon. THE Zhuge Liang kissing me.

My heart stopped.

He stopped kissing me, his lips leaving mine, with a trail of saliva separating us. He smiled coldly and said,"You're cute. I'm going to have to keep you close to me. No doubt you'd become a spoil of war otherwise."

Then he kissed me again.

Was this a challenge? I stood upright, my hands to my sides, laying tight and rigid as always, holding my ground. But if I didn't kiss him back, would he consider me weak? Would he even let me touch him? So many questions ran through my mind as his kisses became more fierce. He forced my lips open and slid his tongue inside my mouth, tasting me like I was the sweetest wine.

I couldn't deny this felt pretty good. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd find myself in this position. I had always dreamed of Zhuge Liang. Dreamed of him accepting me. Now here I was in an intimate lip lock with my idol.

"Kiss me back, boy." he said coldly,"show me you bear the Zhuge name."

Now I had no other choice. I had no prior romantic skill, no experience, so I didn't know he'd react to me. None the less, I tilted my head and leaned into him, returning his kisses. As expected, they were sloppy, like a preteen having his first kiss; of course, this was my first kiss.

"Take your time." he said in between kisses. His lips were wet and tender, I obeyed his words, and slowly tasted those lips again. Slowly, tenderly, we kissed again. I knew I was doing a good job, because I felt his lips form into a smile. "Now use your tongue." he said, and I nodded, sliding my tongue out of my mouth, and through his red lips.

So this is to be my first lesson. How strange. Yet I did not complain. Like a dutiful Zhuge, I obeyed his every word. Never had I felt so gullible. I felt stupid all of a sudden. But it was like a sudden addiction, I couldn't help but want to keep tasting him.

Satisfied, he pulled away from me and asked,"How experienced are you?"

I shook my head. "A virgin."

He smiled and said,"I doubt that. You're too cute. Surely you've had lovers before." "No." I replied,"never. I was too sheltered." "You had a good mother." he said with a smile. "She was the greatest woman I ever known." I replied, looking into his eyes. If he dared mock her, I'd wipe that smirk off his handsome face.

"Such a dutiful son.." he said, almost singsonged it, almost mockingly. I clenched my fist and said,"My mother was perfect. The epitome of beauty, of wisdom, she was prideful in herself, and she taught me everything I know.."

"Calm yourself, boy. I did not speak ill of your mother. I am sure she was a wonderful woman." he said. I nodded and he added,"Then I will show you what you seek. Tell me you did not dream of being loved." "I...yes...yes I have...it's something I've done often." I replied.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, and lifted my chin with his head. He tilted his head and pressed his lips to my neck. "The taste of purity..." he murmured against my skin. "It's quite pleasing.." he added, kissing and nipping at my neck. I didn't realize I was so sensitive there. I let my neck fall back without any troubled, and mewed like a kitten.

"Hmm...so you like this.." he said. I couldn't deny that I did. Gently, he pushed me, and we fell down to the soft bed.

"Don't stop.." I found myself moaning, when he sunk his teeth into my flesh, biting, nibbling, sucking on me. I clutched the bedsheets, digging my nails into the mattress as he kissed me again. He laughed and said,"So wanton...you really were sheltered. You poor child."

He stopped kissing my neck, and went back to kissing my lips again. Savoring them like they were the sweetest of wine. His breath hitching into my mouth as he brushed his groin against me, I thought I would die of pleasure.

But suddenly, we heard knocks at the door.

He groaned in annoyance and asked,"Who's there?" I sat up on my elbows and watched as the dragon walked to the door. "My lord." he suddenly said, bowing. I could only look on in confusion. I looked down, how did my belt become undone so quickly? Trying to hide it, I quickly fixed it, not realizing I had suddenly become wet and sticky between my legs. I turned away, but kept my eyes on the young boy standing in the doorway.

Was this lord Liu Bei? Though he looked awfully young...

I watched as he nodded and said,"Yes, my lord. Right away." He closed the door, and turned back to me. "Looks like you lucked out, boy. My lord has called a meeting. I must leave." he said. "May I join you?" I asked. I knew it was out of line to make a request to the great Zhuge Liang, but I couldn't help it.

He smiled and said,"Yes. A learning boy is a good boy. You will accompany me to the meeting. In fact, you will be my apprentice."

I was floored.

Not only had I been accepted, but now I was to be his student? I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. This was the greatest day of my life. "Now fix yourself up, let's go." he said,"Lord Liu Shan does not like to wait."

So that was not Liu Bei. But who was Liu Shan? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

We walked through the halls of the castle. Once again, the silence was deafening. I wanted to speak, but I knew it would be out of line. How could he say nothing to me after our little encounter? Had it been nothing but fun and games? Had I been a fool?

"What's on your mind?" he asked me suddenly. I stopped and said,"Nothing. I'm just wondering about this Liu Shan character. My mother told me Liu Bei was the lord of Shu." "She was correct. But he recently died. The deaths of his sworn brothers were too much on his heart." he replied.

"I'm sorry..." I said. Not sure of who to apologize to, but none the less, it brought a smile to his face. If not a pained one. "Do you miss him?" I asked. "Yes. Though there had been rumors that I was too ambitious for him, I worked hard to create his dream of a benevolent world." he replied,"I cared for him deeply. Like any strategist would his lord."

"Did you ever have a lord to serve?" he added, looking into my eyes. "No sir. My father served Lord Cao Cao, but I was always too young to join him. Though I've been the ridicule of him a few times.." I admitted. "Ridicule? For what?" he asked.

A blush ran across my cheeks and I said,"I was a meddlesome child. Quite wild and reckless. When my mother would come into the castle town to visit my father, they could never control me. I can't tell you how much trouble I got into. I think the worst was when I knocked over a priceless statue that belonged to Lord Cao Cao. One of the last gifts he was given by his late father...Lord Xiahou Dun found me and spanked me until I couldn't walk anymore. I couldn't stop crying."

A smile grazed the lips of the dragon, and I continued,"My mother heard me crying and stormed into Xiahou Dun's bedroom with a broomstick threatening to rip off his head if he didn't let me go." "Your mother was tough. No one gets away with threatening Lord Xiahou Dun." he said.

I nodded and said,"Ever since. We've been banned from the palace." "But you didn't know better. How old were you, five?" "Seven." I replied,"not like I knew any better." "Well...I'm sure you'll know your place here." he said with a cold smirk. "O-of course, my lord." I said.

We stopped at the end of the large hall, and into the throne room, where we saw Liu Shan sitting at what used to be his father's seat. Repaired and brought back from the dead of course. The throne seat had taken a large beating at Liu Bei's actions upon hearing of Lord Guan Yu's death. I had always heard those two were close. Sworn brothers in fact, but I couldn't help but think of more.

Liu Shan took after his father. They had almost the same hair color, the same hair style-Zhuge Liang said since Liu Bei's death, Liu Shan asked for his hair to be styled the same, even if they didn't have a great relationship.

I heard the story of the Battle of Chang'ban. Liu Bei left Adou in the battlefield, the hell that Zhao Yun went through to get him back. Even then, Liu Bei's care went past his own flesh and blood. I never did like that story, every time my mother told it to me, I'd clench her hand and look into her eyes. She'd kiss all my worries away.

Family was so important to me, how could Liu Bei just treat his own son like dirt? And for Liu Shan to have such blind loyalty, admiration for a man who abandoned him? I couldn't even fathom it. It was like my own father. Yes, he was a soldier for Wei, and I rarely saw him, but I couldn't get the fact that he was pretty much a deadbeat dad.

Could I blame him though? I was such a brat...a trouble making child. I wasn't the smartest boy either. No doubt he'd want to get as far as possible away from me. My mother treated me so well, but I couldn't find anything that could fill that father-less void in my heart.

Maybe Zhuge Liang can fix me?

Liu Shan began speaking to his council, when he stopped, and looked at me. "Um...excuse me. But who might you be? I have heard that there was a new person joining us. Perhaps you are him?"

I stood frozen in fear and anxiety as everyone in Shu stared at me. "I..I-" I stammered, but Zhuge Liang cut in,"Everyone, I was going to wait until later to introduce him to you, his name is Zhuge Dan, a new apprentice of mine. Also, a distant cousin."

Everyone aww'ed, and I blushed, curling close to him. I didn't want to be a distraction, yet everyone kept staring at me. Shouldn't they be paying attention when the Lord of Shu is speaking? I was still nervous to say the least. Liu Shan began talking, and everything just became blurred.

Something about Wei. Attacking, Wu Zhang Plains, I think that's what left the young lord's mouth. It was in one ear out the other.

"Dan. Are you listening?" Zhuge Liang asked. "No." I said with honest shame,"to be honest, it's hard to pay attention with all these stares." He simply smiled and said,"Honesty is the best policy, I will explain everything later. Just stand by my side." "Thank you." I said.

Clearly, I didn't deserve such a man to be by my side. Zhuge Liang was miles ahead of what I could ever dream to be. Still, I was young. If I kept following him, perhaps I could be like him.

When the meeting was over, Zhuge Liang and I walked out of the room. Yueying tried to speak with him, but he kept his back turned, and she was quickly pulled aside by a young girl named Bao Sanniang. The young girl made heart-shaped eyes at the one named Guan Suo, but he was far too oblivious to realize it.

I laughed. Could I ever be so oblivious to love?

Zhuge Liang took my hand into his and said,"It is a nice night, is it not? Share some wine with me." "I..I've never even drank alcohol before, my lord." I said. He smiled and said,"Sheltered little puppy..."

We sat outside on the deck, overlooking the lit up city of Chendgu, when he brought me a wine glass. "Taste it, it's good for you. The doctors say one glass a day is good for your heart. Of course one as young as you has no worry of that." he said. Reluctantly, I took the glass into my hand, and looked at the purplish-red liquid. I spun the liquid around and brought it close to my lips.

The smell was so strong, I clenched into myself and turned my head in disgust. "Takes some getting used to. Just take a sip." he said. "My mother always said that alcohol made people do bad things.." I said. "But did she ever tell you the joys in partaking such drink? It's only people who can't handle their alcohol, go on, try some." he said.

"Well...alright." I said. Again, I brought the drink to my lips, and parted them slightly, allowing the liquid to move down my throat slowly. It was good. Really good. Tasted like grapes. "Slowly, child!" he yelled, when I accidentally moved my arm up, and drank the rest in one gulp.

Now I was just dizzy. Had the wine already given me such affects?

I giggled and began to wobble. I had seen drunk people before, am I one of them now? "Oh Dan...silly boy. Now you're drunk.." he said, laying his hands around my thin waist. He dragged me back into the castle, and back to his bedroom, with a sly smirk on his face.

"Now rest, my child. Tomorrow begins your training." he added, closing the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Two**

Zhuge Liang looked upon me with a look mixed with laughter, skepticism and..was it shame?

He held up the wine bottle and said,"Dan. You drank it all."

But I couldn't hear any words beyond my laughter.

The room was spinning, or I was spinning, something...something was spinning. I suddenly felt heavy. Too heavy for my own feet. So heavy that I fell down. But before I could hit the floor, Zhuge Liang took me into his arms.

Ugh...

This isn't the way I wanted Zhuge Liang to perceive me. I wanted him to take me seriously, now all I was to him was drunken fool. The alcohol tried to rise up my throat, but I wouldn't let it. I've made an ass out of myself here, I wasn't about to further it by vomiting all over him.

He laughed, and it was like music to my ears. But was he laughing at me? Or with me?

He gazed into my eyes, my now bloodshot eyes, and brushed a loose strand of hair from my eyes. "You're so cute, do you know that?" he suddenly said. I couldn't comprehend a word that left his lips, he just smiled and accepted I been sober, perhaps my state of mind would have been more focused. Instead, my body felt like jelly. Light as a feather, as Zhuge Liang took my hand and led me to his bed. "Rest, child. You're going to have a busy day tomorrow." I took his words to mind, as I took all of his advice. But I hadn't expected this.

Not this.

Not the searing pain in body. My eyes opened to greet the sunlight outside, but I felt groggy and weak.

The bedsheets felt cooler, too.

Head spinning. Body heavy and weak, stuck to the sheets, a ringing in my ears..

And a gasp.

Pulling the sheets off me, I gasped and shouted upon the sight of myself naked.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

My clothes were scattered all over the room, my white coat ripped in a few places, my pants on the floor, my boots against the closet door, and one of my white gloves laying on top of the lamp on the nightstand.

With a vial of oil.

My eyes grew wide, then I groaned at the sudden pain that just shot up my spine from my lower body.

There was blood on the sheets.

Again, I screamed. There was only one scenario that I could think of that happened overnight.

My virginity was stolen.

I held my hand to my mouth. Just the thought of it made me sick. My most precious gift...my body..used and abused..

"My god..."

My hands were shaking, my skin, a deathly pale. Evidence was on the bedsheets, blood, oil, semen..

And I cried.

Cried for the pain, cried for the violation.

Who could have done such a thing to me? It couldn't have been Zhuge Liang...no, he'd protect me...I am his student, his pride...he'd never hurt me..

But I'm in his room, in his bed.

"No...he couldn't possibly..."

That nauseous feeling rose again, but this time, I did nothing to stop it, turning to my side, puking on the rug, spitting out my shame along with it.

Who could have...raped me...violated me like this?

Who could have-

Two knocks at the door took me away from my thoughts. "Master Zhuge Dan, are you awake? Lord Zhuge Liang wants to see you."

I shivered upon hearing that name. Not in a good way. I couldn't tell why that name made me quiver so.

But..I didn't want whomever it was behind the door to see me like this.

I'm a Zhuge. I'm no weakling.

Though I couldn't stop this pain..

Another cry as I tried to leave the bed. My nails dug to whatever I could find to give me leverage, but the pain was too great.

I collapsed to the floor, clenching my body, laying in fetal position, when the door was kicked in.

"Get out!"

Yet who was I to order anyone in Shu? I was merely a student to the great dragon, I couldn't just give orders like I was somebody.

The footsteps came closer.

"What part of get out do you not understand?! Leave me alone!"

Anger clouding my better judgement, as always. My father always did tell me that I had a nasty temper.

I looked up to find Ma Chao kneeling down next to me, looking at my body with concern in his blue eyes.

"Goddamn..what the heck happened to you..."

As I was naked, everything was on display. I felt like a dirty tramp with those eyes on me.

Glaring.

Observing.

Concerning.

"Alright, kid..it's gonna be ok...let's get you cleaned up."

"Put me down."

But he didn't listen. Instead, he threw a robe on me, and picked me up bridal-style.

As if I needed this kind of humiliation.

As if I needed the pointed fingers, the whispers, and the curious stares.

I closed my eyes to escape my predicament when I felt my body submerged in water.

My eyes opened to see Ma Chao slide into the bathtub beside me, taking my arm, sliding a sponge down my skin slowly.

I should be enjoying this. I should like the pampering, but..

"Get your hands off me." I snapped.

But Ma Chao didn't listen. "Like you're in any position. You want to explain everything? Why I found you naked on the floor?"

"What business is it of yours?"

"I want to make sure you're not doing anything you're not supposed to be doing."

I looked at him, aghast that he would even mention a thing like that.

"Have you stopped to think that perhaps I've been violated?! Maybe that's why I was on the floor naked!"

I wanted to continue yelling, but Ma Chao suddenly engulfed me in a hug.

Like the way my mother used to hold me.

Rocking me slowly, trying to ease the pain away.

"I don't know what happened...I woke up like this.."

"And you didn't want anyone to see you."

He was completely right.

"Why would I?"

Because I didn't want anyone to see me so weak. Not that I cared for what people thought about me, but I didn't want the pity party.

"I'm so sorry.."

He stroked my hair and said,"I promise. I'll find whoever did this and bring them to justice."

What could I say? Did I want to be avenged? I didn't want anyone else in Shu knowing what happened to me...I'd never live that down.

"No.."

And with that, I left the tub and changed into the clothing that Zhuge Liang provided me; a black body suit and a green off shoulder robe over it.

Perhaps we'd do some training.

If I could find the strength to move.

I tried to move, yet my body wouldn't listen. As if I was trying to command an entire army, and they were defiant as ever.

Zhuge Liang looked at me, and raised a fine eyebrow. "Is everything ok, my dear student?"

"No.." I admitted, trying my best not to fall down. His concern was unnerving,"I.. I think I may have injured myself earlier. Perhaps I am out of shape."

"Then we'll do some light training. Can you run around the castle?" he asked.

I shook my head. It was either admit that I couldn't do it, or try and fall to the ground. Neither I wanted to do. I made myself look like an ass in front of him before, I couldn't further damage my reputation.

Liu Shan was in awe of Zhuge Liang. Rightfully so, he owed him his life. Before Liu Bei died, he made Liang his successor, over Liu Shan, telling his beloved advisor that if he didn't live up to his expectations, then kill him.

But Zhuge Liang had faith in the young man, as did everyone in Shu.

Myself? I barely knew anything about him, save for him being Liu Bei's son and the lord of Shu.

"My lord, we should talk."

Liu Shan turned to see Ma Chao leaning on the wall behind him, as he watched us, his eyes showing hearts at every one of Zhuge Liang's movements.

"Yes?" he asked, almost taken aback by Ma Chao's serious look.

"Someone's taken advantage of Master Zhuge Dan. I found him on the floor this morning in an almost catatonic state."

Liu Shan gasped.

"Are you saying that he was violated?" he asked.

Ma Chao nodded. "I think someone raped him, my lord."

"My god..." Liu Shan said, holding onto the railing for leverage. He was in shock, he couldn't believe such a thing could be committed, right under his nose.

"Master Zhuge Dan didn't want anyone to know, but I can't let this go unpunished. My lord, we have to find who did this. It's not right, he's only a child.." Chao said.

"Yes,yes, of course." Liu Shan said, watching Zhuge Liang. I bet he didn't notice how I'd curl into myself and how my skin crawled every time Zhuge Liang came near me. But why? I couldn't help that wretched feeling running down my spine. The thought of someone touching me, violating me..

Zhuge Liang called my name, I was quickly taken out of my thoughts.

His hand reached out for me, and touched my hand. I took it back, as if the hand would burn me. "Are you ok? Really? Look at me, child." he said, his voice cold and devoid of concern.

Before I could reply, Yueying approached us. Her arms were crossed, and her eyes wore a look of pity.

Had Ma Chao? No...he promised he wouldn't tell..

"Master Zhuge Dan..." she said. She sounded heartbroken. I looked at her, she had my full attention. "Please...come with me." she added, looking at her husband, then to me. She looked like she was about to cry. I held my breath.

Silence was all around us as we walked back into the castle. All I could hear was my own breathing, and the light sounds of her white boots against the floor tiles. Every now and then, she'd look at me. Either she was checking to see if I was still following her, or...

We entered her room.

My heart skipped a beat when she locked the door.

And fell to her knees.

"My lady.." I said, in complete shock. Her light brown eyes were alight with tears, and she wrapped her arms around my legs, whispering words of apologies.

SI

Never had I felt so betrayed.

"Lord Liu Shan said Master Ma Chao told him that you were raped...I...I'm so sorry!" she cried. As more stray tears fell from her eyes, she reached up and cradled me, laying my head on her shoulder. She stroked my hair slowly, like a mother would, and I wanted so desperately to leave her embrace. She kept repeating her apology over and over again, and it only felt like a broken record.

"S-Stop...Lady Yueying...please..." I said, trying to softly rip her away from me. I didn't want this. I didn't want sympathy. I didn't want anyone to hold me. I didn't want anyone to touch me.

It only resulted in her holding me tighter.

It was suffocating.

"Lady Yueying.." I pleaded again. Still, she rambled.

"LADY YUEYING! LET ME GO!" I shouted. She released me. Then she backed away, and said,"I...I'm sorry, I was so upset...I didn't realize.." "It's ok." I said, holding up my hand to silence her.

In actuality, all I wanted was for her to leave. I didn't want anything from her. Yueying was not my mother, god bless her soul, and she never would be. Her embrace meant nothing to me.

"Master Zhuge Dan, I promise you...we will find who did this to you. And they will be brought to justice. Shu does not tolerate this behavior. I am sorry this had to happen to you. If there's anything you need.." she wiped away another stray tear, "please, don't hesitate to ask."

But all I wanted to do was sink into oblivion. Hadn't I been violated enough? Now everyone in Shu knew. My exploitation would know no bounds.

I said nothing, only pulling the sheets around my thin frame. It was a temporary fortress, but it was enough to hold me overnight.

Until...


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I was sleeping in my room. Ma Chao was standing over my bed, silently watching me with a look of sorrow in his eyes. As if I felt his presence, my eyes opened, and looked right into his.

"Dan, I.."

I turned away from him.

"I'm sorry! I had to say something, I couldn't just sit around and let it happen again!" he yelled. I growled. "And what does it matter? We're not friends, we-"

"We're not?" he suddenly asked. I turned back to him. His eyes were sunken and hollow. "Damn it." I muttered,"I guess we are. Sorry.." "I'm worried, and I'm scared. I don't know who did this, and I think they might do it again." he said. "Can I stay with you?" he added.

"What about the others, doesn't Master Ma Dai or Master Zhao Yun need you?" I asked. "Not at the moment. Zhao Yun is training with Lord Liu Shan and Ma Dai is playing with Wei Yan." he replied. "Who's Wei Yan?" I asked.

He smiled.

"Oh, right. You haven't met him yet. I'll have to introduce you. He's...interesting." he replied.

I looked at my bed. It wasn't exactly built for two, and Ma Chao wasn't exactly small, what with those muscles and whatnots. Though he wasn't giant either..

As I contemplated, before I could give an answer, he got into the bed beside me.

"I..I didn't say-" I said, before Ma Chao said,"Yeah, I know. But I'm just going to ignore your protests anyway."

"Why do you care...oh right...you're Mister Justice." I said. There was a slight bitter tone in my voice, that I hope he didn't pick up on.

Instead, he just smiled and smoothed my hair back.

"Goodness, you're adorable.." he said.

My heart dropped.

"Hey, relax. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm already involved with someone." he replied.

"Oh? But I don't think she'd like it then, if you're in bed with another man." I said with a slight giggle.

"She?" he laughed,"oh, right, I didn't tell you..I'm in a highly scandalous relationship with Ma Dai. Shhh. Keep it a secret."

"Your own...cousin?" I looked at him incredulously.

How odd, and how strangely nonchalant he said it so. As if he was proud of it.

"Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds weird, but what can I say...I love him." he said.

"I suppose if that makes you happy.." I said.

He looked me up and down, observing me like a doctor would, when he said,"Well, how about you? Do you have a girlfriend we don't know about?"

I looked at him like he had just said the craziest thing.

"Oh come on, look how attractive you are! I'm sure you have girls flocking to you!"

Yeah, me attractive. I look more like a pasty fool-my pale skin, my skinniness, my furrowed, angry eyebrows...

"Hey..I always say, what's ugly to anyone, is someone else's treasure." he said with a smile.

I looked at him, and said,"That doesn't make any sense..." He scratched the back of his head, and said,"Yeah..I guess not."

He turned over, and I flinched when I felt an arm around my waist. He held me close, and placed his hand in my hair.

"Don't worry about anything, Dan. I'll always be here to help you."

I had hoped he was sincere. He seemed that way. For the first time in a while, I felt good.

We woke up two hours later, ready for another counsel with Lord Liu Shan.

Something didn't feel right about him.

Like he was..off...or somehow, disconnected from the world. Almost like he was floating on air. For him, this must have been a place he didn't want to be.

Flanking him, was Zhuge Liang and a woman I had never seen before.

A woman in a black and white dress. She had short black hair, and wore a steely gaze. To be honest, it was kind of scary.

She was really pretty, but that look...

It didn't even soften when Liu Shan smiled at her. Even when he introduced her as his wife, Zhang Xingcai.

The daughter of the mighty Zhang Fei? Now it all made sense.

At the meeting, Zhuge Liang did most of the talking, as Liu Shan simply nodded and stared at him in awe.

By all means, as his apprentice, I should have been at the podium beside him. Instead, because I detested scrutiny, I decided to hide in the crowd.

Ma Chao stood by my side the entire time. And I was eternally grateful. Beside him was his lover, Ma Dai.

He was handsome. Very handsome. The two of them made one great looking pair, even if Ma Chao was aged.

Even Zhao Yun, in his advanced age, was still incredibly attractive.

Just what was in the water here in Shu?

Everyone was attractive!

And me? I'm just..me.

"Hey. Show's over. Stay with me." Ma Chao said.

I nodded, and we left the room.

For a second, I thought Ma Dai might resent me, for being so close to his lover.

Instead, he simply smiled and waved.

Ma Chao returned the smile and said,"This guy is always so happy..."

I tried to return the smile, but I couldn't.

But the Ma's were so into each other, I didn't think they cared.

Ma Dai was in Chao's arms, the two of them looking into each others' eyes so intensely, they didn't even realize that I left.

"Ah. Zhuge Dan. There you are."

I stopped.

Really, I should have bowed. Because Lord Liu Shan approached me, followed by his lovely wife.

"My Lord. My Lady."

Then I bowed.

"It's so nice to see you again." he said. Once again, his voice sounded off. So disconnected.

"Have you met my wife, Lady Zhang?" he added.

"Not yet. It's a pleasure." I replied, bowing once more.

A slight smile graced her lips, but it disappeared just as quick.

"I'm looking for Lord Zhuge Liang. Have you seen him?" he asked.

Once again, the name making me shiver.

"No." I replied.

"Oh. Ok. I just figured-"

"Alright, my Lord. Let's go." Lady Zhang said, dragging Lord Liu Shan away.

I could only watch on in curiosity.

What an odd pairing...

I suppose she was the dominant one in the relationship. Still, I could see the love radiating from her. As cold and as steely as she portrayed, it was plain to see that she was terribly in love.

And once again, Liu Shan was distant.

I could never put my finger on what was wrong with him. They said his father threw him to the ground at Chang'Ban when he was a child.

That could have contributed to at least something.

There was so much I wanted to know..but it felt like inner Shu secrets. Things I shouldn't know.

I still didn't feel like a part of Shu.

No matter how many times the Ma's smile at me. No matter how many times I look into Lord Zhuge Liang's eyes. No matter how many times I pity Lord Liu Shan.

"Hey."

A mild-toned voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

I looked up and locked eyes with a young man. He had thick reddish-brown hair with golden yellow eyes. A skinny build, hidden under loads of green robes.

"Um..hello?" I asked.

"You're Zhuge Liang's new boy, aren't you?" he asked.

His voice was laced with jealousy. I tensed up.

"The name's Ma Su. I figured it's time we met one another." he said, walking closer to me.

"Ma?" I asked,"are you-"

"I'm not related to those sinful boys..." he said.

"Sinful?" I asked, playing coy. Perhaps he knew of their affair?

"Are you blind?! Or just plain stupid? You've been spending time with Ma Chao, did you notice he was involved in an incestual affair with his own cousin!" Ma Su snapped.

"I..I had no idea." I lied.

"Blissfully naive. Perhaps it's better that way. You need to be more aware of your surroundings. Zhuge Liang would never accept you like this. Even if you bear his name." he said.

He's right. I've already soiled the Zhuge name, haven't I?

"Hmph. Don't look so pathetic. Frowning will do you no good. Chin up."

And with that, he left.

I could only watch on with curiosity.

And sadness.

Zhuge Liang had another apprentice? Just as soon as I had become his? Had I suddenly been replaced?

I felt my heart breaking remembering every word that Ma Su had said.

Disappointment...

I just wanted to lay down and die.

What had I done to make Zhuge Liang do this? Had I disappointed him this badly?

Silently, I dragged myself to my room in sadness.

Locking the door.

I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want anyone's pity. They already pointed their fingers, and I was sick of it.

Did I even belong here?

Did I ever belong here?

The thoughts killed me.

Leave me alone. I don't want to hear it.

Knocks on my door. Go away, Ma Chao. I don't want to see you. More knocks.

And another.

Instead, I threw the bedsheets over my head and tried not to cry myself to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

My body ached.

Fear struck through my body as I felt sharp pains in my lower body.

I pulled the bedsheets off and gasped to find myself naked once more.

"Oh my god.." I mouthed, looking at myself.

"Ma Chao!" I yelled, and quickly, the blond warrior ran into my bedroom.

"Oh my god..Dan!" he yelled, falling to his knees by my bedside.

Quickly, and not caring about my nudity, he took me into his arms and held me.

"I swear it...I'll find who's responsible...if it's the last thing I ever do.." he said.

I stayed silent, listening as Chao continued,"I'm sorry..I promised to stay with you...it was date night, I told Dai that I needed to be with you, but-"

"Stop. Don't apologize...I can't be responsible for taking time away from your lover. I'm sure Ma Dai dislikes me enough." I said.

"Hardly. I don't think it's possible for Dai to dislike anyone. Even after Pang De joined Cao Cao, he still cared for him." he said.

Cao Cao..now that was a name I haven't heard since I was a child.

But he was long dead now. As was his son, the next in line, first Emperor of Wei. They say he was cursed by the spirit of his dead wife-the beautiful woman he ordered to commit suicide.

The things in the capital never interested me. My father was a diplomat, and I lived far away from the palace.

I had only met Cao Cao once. So intimidating he was, him and that one-eyed general, Xiahou Dun.

I sighed.

And the angry way Ma Chao mentioned Cao Cao's name didn't go unnoticed.

"Even after all these years, I still hate him..." he muttered.

Still in Chao's arms, I flinched as he dug his nails into my skin.

"I..I'm sorry." he said, releasing me,"do you need anything right now?"

"No." I replied.

He nodded and helped me dress.

Once again, he came close to me, and suddenly pressed his nose to my neck.

I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"That scent.." he said.

"What, do I offend? Do I need to clean myself?" I asked. "No, no, it's not that.." he replied.

"...never mind." he added, taking me out of my room.

I tilted my head in confusion as we left the room. With the pain in my body, we had to take it slow.

That managed to get the attention of Lady Xingcai.

"Master Zhuge? Are you ok?" she asked, her usual cold voice filled with concern.

"He's fine, he's just sore from our wrestling match yesterday. I think I might have slammed him too hard." Ma Chao said.

"I see...well, try not to hurt him, Master Ma, Master Zhuge Liang needs him unharmed." she said.

Ma Chao seemed to notice that I flinched upon hearing that name.

He looked at me like a light went off in his head.

Within the silent moment, Lady Xingcai nodded to us and bowed, putting her arm through the arm of a well-toned boy with spiked hair and bright brown eyes.

Ma Chao sensed my confusion at the two as they smiled at each other and walked away from us.

"That's her brother." he said with a laugh. "Oh!" I said with a shy smile,"..I..I thought.." "No, she loves Lord Liu Shan, even if she's not that good at showing it." he said.

"Anyway, let's go. Ma Dai wants to go horse riding with Guan Xing and us." he added.

"Guan Xing?" I asked. "Lord Guan Yu's second son." he said, when we made it to the stables.

"Dan?" Ma Chao asked, when he got on his favorite horse. "Yes?" I asked, looking up at him. "Don't leave my side." he said, watching as I managed to get on a horse.

It was nice. Fully black with firm muscles, soft skin, and a black mane.

For a second, I thought the horse would knock me off. But as I ran my hand down its snout, it neighed in response, and began to trust me.

Ma Chao laughed and said,"Hey, you're a natural!"

"I guess it's one thing I'm good at.." I said shyly, as I rode next to him.

Behind us, Ma Dai got on his horse, and stared at us. As if I felt his eyes burning into my head, I turned around and smiled at him.

He returned the smile, but something else was written there. Perhaps I was right in my claim that Master Ma Dai didn't like me.

Guan Xing approached us as well. A nice looking man with warm features. Bright green eyes and semi-long greyish brown hair.

Ma Dai came beside Ma Chao and smiled, and we all took off.

Little did I know that Zhuge Liang was watching us.

"So what do you think, Dan? You like it here?"

I looked up at Guan Xing, whose piercing eyes nearly made me flinch.

Beside us, the Ma cousins were in each other's arms, completely entwined with each other.

"It's not Wei, but..it's alright." I said. Other than whatever was happening to me overnight, I was content here. The Ma cousins seemed to like me enough, I guess. Despite my thinking that Master Ma Dai had it out for me. I wasn't as miserable as I was living alone in Wei territory, I was actually welcomed here. I had friends...people who cared enough.

We stayed here all day.

Ma Chao and Ma Dai swam in the water, while Gaun Xing watched with a wishful smile on his face. I slept underneath a tree, Ma Chao letting me use his clothing as a pillow-I didn't know that he decided to swim in the nude, Ma Dai quickly following suit.

Relaxing, frolicking, it was nice to get away from all the wars for a second. Though things had seemed to calm down for a bit, I knew that the fighting was still going on.

We went back to the palace, the Ma cousins wet and wearing wide, loving smiles, Guan Xing looking content, and I, feeling relaxed, when Zhuge Liang met us at the stables.

"M-master Zhuge!" Guan Xing yelled, bowing. We all followed suit, but I couldn't help that rising feeling burning inside me. Ma Chao was tensed, his shoulders hunched as if angered.

"You guys know better than to take advantage of my student like this. You know I need him around for his training." he said.

It was silent. But I could hear Ma Chao's teeth clenching. I was almost afraid that he'd say something...if I didn't say something first.

"It was not their fault." I said. Everyone looked at me and I continued,"Masters Ma and Xing only wanted to get me more familiar with the area. If I am to stay here longer, it's best I get acquainted with my surroundings."

"O-of course. Yes, it's best you get familiar with Shu...after all those years in Wei, surely this is a grand change of scenery." Zhuge Liang said.

"In the future, Dan...let me know if you ever want to take a day off. I had a training schedule ready for you, and to have you not show up.." he added.

"It won't happen again, my lord." I said.

He seemed satisfied enough with that answer, and nodded.

"Now let us be off. There is still time to pick up where we left off yesterday." he added, walking away. I quickly followed, ignoring the chill in my body.

I didn't even notice that Ma Chao tried to stop me.

"Chao..." Ma Dai said, looking at him. "Yes?" Chao asked. "You seem overly concerned with that kid." Dai said.

"He's being abused and raped by someone in this palace. How can I NOT be concerned, Dai." Chao said.

Guan Xing stood idly, awkwardly watching the two argue.

"What the hell is he to you, Chao? You constantly talk about him, take time away from me to be with him...last night as we were having sex, you-"

"Dai. Don't talk about that out loud. What we do in the privacy of our bedroom is no one's business."

"And besides. You know you're the only one for me. I care for Zhuge Dan because nobody else will. He's our friend, and he's hurting."

"I'm selfish...maybe I'm just afraid of losing you.."

Ma Chao hugged Ma Dai and said,"Don't be ridiculous. I'll never leave you. In case you're forgetting in the past oh I don't know..forever long years, I love you, and that's not going to change."

Ma Dai felt like he could cry, embracing Ma Chao tightly, getting ready to kiss him when Guan Xing coughed and brought the lovers back to reality.

"Let's go inside. It's almost dinner time. Lord Liu Shan would throw a fit if we weren't there at the table." he said.

"You know, I really feel for the guy. He strives so hard to keep us a family. Despite his rocky relationship with his father.." Chao said.

They all sighed and walked inside, waiting for dinner, when Master Zhuge Liang and I joined them.

I felt uncomfortable under Ma Chao's scrutiny, his blue eyes looking at me up and down, examining me.

I took the seat in the middle of him and Master Zhuge Liang, when we began to eat.

It was strangely quiet, save for idle chatter amongst themselves. Lord Liu Shan took small glances at me, but quickly turned his attentions to Lady Xingcai and her brother beside her.

Guan Xing sat beside him, and his brother, Guan Suo beside him. I noticed that girl who likes him wasn't here.

Zhao Yun sat next to Lord Liu Shan, across from Lady Xingcai. I knew the past between Zhao Yun and his lord, of course he would want to keep him near.

I barely ate. Maybe I wasn't hungry. Seeing all of Shu acting like a family like this struck something in me. Lord Liu Shan watched as I left the table, with the excuse that I wasn't feeling well. Ma Chao's eyes followed me the entire way out, as did Master Zhuge Liang's.

"Is everything ok, Dan?" Zhuge Liang asked, when he walked into my room. I was settled comfortably in between my sheets, laying my head on the bedpost. "It's fine. I just..."

"I know, I know. It still takes some getting used to. We've always considered ourselves a family here. Surely it's still difficult for you, considering you...delicate situation."

He noticed my curiosity when he took out a bottle of liquor and two small cups.

"Master Zhuge Liang, I really shouldn't.." I said, shying away. "Nonsense, it'll make you feel good. You had it last night and you said you liked it." Master Zhuge Liang said. "Yes, but...I really shouldn't drink so much.." I said. Again, he shook his head. "It'll help you relax. And besides, one drink a day can't harm you."

"As you wish.." I said, drinking the glass he gave me.

I felt its effects immediately. A calming wave flew up and down my body, and I felt relaxed, when my body sunk deeper into the bed. "Goodnight, Dan." Master Zhuge Liang said, leaving my room. When he shut the door, he was greeted by an angry and growling Ma Chao, who had just left Ma Dai's bed.

The two of them had finished their dinner, and went back to his room. But the sound of Zhuge Liang's footsteps pulled him out of his reverie and he bolted out of bed.

"Master Ma Chao...what a pleasant surprise.." he said, raising an eyebrow at his state on undress. "I was right all along. It was you harming Zhuge Dan." Ma Chao snapped. "Is that any way to speak to your superior? Go back to tending to your sinful lover." Zhuge Liang said.

"I won't go until you leave Dan alone. He's done nothing wrong, he's done nothing to suffer under your villainous hands!" Ma Chao yelled. "What makes you think I'm guilty? Just because I'm leaving his room?" Zhuge Liang asked.

"I've put the pieces together; he's become afraid of you, finding his bedsheets covered in blood, that little lie you told about finding him in the hallway, pants around his ankles and raped in the corner, him smelling like you...do you think I'm stupid?!"

Zhuge Liang looked at him as if he were caught. Then, he smiled a sick smile.

"I'm going to expose you for everything you're worth." Ma Chao challenged.

"You won't have a chance to, Master Ma Chao.."

Little did I have any idea what was going on outside my room. Deep in sleep, I covered myself in my blankets and went into dreamland, unaware that I'd soon be waking up into a nightmare.


End file.
